Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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