So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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