he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
