Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
