I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Couch. On fire.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
