me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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