$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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