I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Randomize
