Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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