Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You can't special order awesome
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
