my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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