Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Did you just see the Batmobile???
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
