Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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