The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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