hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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