It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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