Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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