I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
