Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
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I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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