You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
