I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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