he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
