Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
