tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
did i walk over a car last night?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
