I am midnight drunk by noon
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
