mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
