you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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