Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
