He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
