I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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