Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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