Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
