i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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