Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
