Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Farmville is her only friend.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
