my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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