Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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