I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
