just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
