I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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