Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
