the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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