i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
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