Ketchup is God's man juice
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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