All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I need to sanitize my soul.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
