8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
