you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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