Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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