There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
