i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
