Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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