i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
