It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
