I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize