I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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