wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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