I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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