I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
