he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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