insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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