When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
