It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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