Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
