Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
