this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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