Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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