Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
